I am a grown woman with a full-time job and a family of five. My children crawl into my lap at the end of the day and tell me about the things that happened tothem. Billy took my daughter’s lollipop. Jimmy punched my son in the jaw. I listen. I console. I provide ice. I call the principal to alert him that his douchebag kid … Continue reading I Lived It: Woman’s Tummy Wummy Hurtie Wurtied
Sitting on the side of a trailer park in Clearwater, Florida, Ace Austin sipped lemonade and tequila in his wheelchair beside his 4th wife and live-in nurse, Cecilia. Although he may never walk again, he reflects fondly on his time as a semi-professional wrestler for the China, Texas Extreme Deathmatch Wrestling Association of the United Southern States of America. “We were unstoppable,” Austin remembered. “Every … Continue reading Interview with Former Semi-Professional Pro Wrestler Ace Austin
Due to the staggering number of applications flooding its system, United Parcel Service, better known as UPS, will now hold NFL-like combine tryouts for all looking to don the brown and gold. “You wouldn’t believe the sheer amount of young people wanting to deliver packages for a living, but hell at $170,000 a year who could blame them, that’s mob associate money,” said veteran UPS … Continue reading UPS to Hold NFL Style Combine for Bevy of Candidates
After a 6-year study that involved 3.4 million dollars and 14,000 volunteers, Harvard Sound Science has uncovered a startling truth: your roommate can hear you weeping in the shower. I interviewed lead researcher Billy Bonkers to discuss the implications of the study. Em: Good afternoon, Billy. Thanks for speaking with Lousy Human. Could you give some insight into the general findings your team uncovered during … Continue reading New Study Shows Roommate Definitely Does Hear You Weeping In The Shower
CBS executives were taken aback when a recent focus group participant called out the network on a yet-to-be-air episode of ‘Young Sheldon. The controversial episode sees the title character use his intellect to corner the Meth market in his small Texas town. “I really don’t think that’s in the spirit of what the show is about,” said Edna Reynolds of Sturgeon Bay, Wisconsin. “We watch … Continue reading Focus Group Uneasy With ‘Young Sheldon’ Where Youngster Becomes a Meth Kingpin
The wheels on the bus that’s definitely not driven by a pedophile go round and round,round and round,round and round.The wheels on the bus that’s definitely not driven by a pedophile go round and round,all through the town. The keys on the keyboard go click, click, click;Click, click, click,Click, click, click.The keys on the keyboard go click, click, click,all through the tween chat rooms. The … Continue reading The Wheels On The Bus (That Is Definitely Not Driven By A Pedo) By Siranda Mings
We as a society spend a lot of time discussing oppression. It’s important to do that. Oppression seems hard. But we don’t spend a lot of time talking about the struggles of being blessed. Roll your eyes all you want, but I know for a fact that sometimes I cry because I’m sopretty. If you’re in the same boat as me, privileged as all get … Continue reading What To Do When You’re Prettier And More Successful Than All Your Friends
Hi, I’m Sarah McLachlan. Will you be an angel for a helpless animal? Me. Every day innocent animals are abused, beaten, and neglected. And they’re crying out for help. Because I can’t make as much money from these commercials as I used to. That’s why I’m releasing my Sarah McLachlan’s Arms of The Angel’s Luxury Jewelry, Handbags, and Home Goods Collection (not affiliated with the … Continue reading Live, Laugh, McLachlan
In this day and age, the dating scene is full of passive individuals, avoiding confrontation and not asking for what they want. This has created an outbreak of unsatisfying relationships, with both parties not meeting the needs of their lovers. I have a reminder for you. You can get what you want if you just ask. It’s not using someone, because everybody’s using someone. All … Continue reading Unpopular Opinion: It’s OK to Sleep With A Man So That You Can Use One Of His Bay Leaves In Your Curry
