Major League Baseball, looking to capitalize on the hit that was the pitch clock, unveiled a multi-step plan intended to make the game more accessible to septuagenarians.
“Making America’s favorite pastime more relevant and accessible to our younger fans in their 70s is my top priority,” said MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred. The plan includes:
Phonograph PA
All Public Address announcements will be made over phonograph so that younger fans can enjoy the rich, warm, exciting tones only the cylindrical sound-reproducing machine can provide.
Early Bird Specials and New Menu Items
All Day games will begin at 9:00 sharp. Fans who show up 6 hours before the first pitch will be treated to a free Vegemite sandwich and a refreshing glass of Tang. MLB understands that the pallets of our youngest fans crave variety; in that spirit, Swanson Hungry Man dinners will be served at 30 MLB parks.
Silent Day Games
Research has shown that noise is a big problem for young fans in their 70s. MLB parks will minimize all electronic noise, including music and announcements, thus creating a peaceful, serene atmosphere. Fans can hear the crack of the bat uninterrupted, the way God intended.
Adjustable Game Speeds
Last season, the pitch clock was a big hit with fans and players alike, but MLB understands that young Fans in their 70s might want a different option. Intended for fans who want to savor the experience, viewers at home can soon watch games in electrifying slow motion. It will allow younger fans to enjoy a full nine-inning game in the time it takes to either microwave a TV dinner or slow roast a turkey.