Dear Oscar, You phony, little slut. I hate you, I really do. Nothing brings such disgust and gut-wrenching pain quite like the sound of your name. Your nauseating, pink products that oddly resemble one another in both color and flavor. How is it that you manage to make every meat you sell taste like bologna? This leads me to believe that your meats come from … Continue reading A Hostile Letter To Oscar Mayer
Aries: You may feel like a snail emerging from its shell.But, that’s just a dull illusion of a twisted reality. Quit your job and NEVER LEAVE HOME AGAIN. Taurus: Your boisterous, generous attitude is inspiring and welcomed by others. Who does that bitch Kathy at the office think she is to turn her nose up to your homemade queso? She can go right along and … Continue reading Horoscopes: November 2020
Aries: Both your love life and connections to you colleagues are on the agenda this week. The HR receptionist knows that you called her a “stupid cunt” behind her back and your boyfriend found you while cheating on Tinder. Have fun with that shit! Taurus: Expect to fall in love at first sight today, just don’t spend over $250 at the strip club. Your mom … Continue reading Horoscopes: September 2020
Dear Parents, As you may all be aware, last week we had a field trip to Exchange City (an educational roleplaying center where children get the chance to run an imaginary town set in a warehouse). The field trip went exceptionally well! We did, however, have one little hiccup. A white first grader who was chosen to be a cop at exchange accidentally fired off … Continue reading Field Trip Update: Black Student Shot By White Student In Minor Incident
