Horoscopes: September 2020

Aries: Both your love life and connections to you colleagues are on the agenda this week. The HR receptionist knows that you called her a “stupid cunt” behind her back and your boyfriend found you while cheating on Tinder. Have fun with that shit!

Taurus: Expect to fall in love at first sight today, just don’t spend over $250 at the strip club. Your mom still has access to the account.

Gemini: When they pull you over, eat the pot.

Cancer: You could be your own worst enemy this week, but it doesn’t have to be that way. Bill from work is a dumb, ugly fuck. Make him your worst enemy.

Leo: There is a possibility that you could earn more money, but there is also a chance that you’ll spend it all before the week is up. I guess it just depends on how quickly you go through your drugs.

Virgo: It could be difficult to see eye to eye with certain family members, but who cares when you’re 69’ing you stepsister?

Libra: Today you might be fascinated with movies, music, and video. You might also just be bored and unemployed.

Scorpio:Unusual experiences may give rise to a new interest in the sciences or occult practices like magic or alchemy. Look at you. Rubbing elbows with the Clintons at Bohemian Grove. Hail Moloch!

Sagittarius: You may draw some fascinating opportunities to you, but it’s also possible that you could resist them. You finally got 40 dudes together willing to gangbang, don’t pass it up.

Capricorn: While you may be inspired to follow a new path that shows plenty of promise, you might feel edgy if it means moving too far outside your comfort zone. Good thing you’re edgy as fuck and will totally show those shitlord’s who’s top fedora.

Aquarius: Here you are, listening to Aquarius at the end of The 40 Year Old Virgin, again.

Pisces: It’s time for a much needed change! Instead of sending your only tinder match your daily “Good Morning 🙂 ” message, try a “Hey Stranger” instead. She’ll surely respond this time.

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