Aries: Don’t give up on finding the romantic partner of your dreams, give up on life instead.
Taurus: There’s an intense focus on your sector of change and transformation, getting caught trying to fuck your cousin can be a life-changing experience.
Gemini: As the sun eases into your sector of relating, it can encourage you to take stock of your relationships and how you might improve them. But, no matter how many times you blow your ex-boyfriend, you won’t get back together.
Cancer: Your lifestyle sector is in focus, particularly as the cheery sun enters Sagittarius on Tuesday. The unhappy moon will be there to piss all over that parade by Wednesday.
Leo: Family secrets will be revealed this week that will change the way you view certain family members. Like, that your mother planted condoms in your father’s car to justify filing for divorce.
Scorpio: A rise in love and romance is highlighted by the holiday season, as you sit alone at the mall, masturbating to them silently.
Virgo: If things begin to stir, change, or fluctuate in love and romance, your first impulse is to overreact and sure you sure as shit should. He got your mother pregnant!
Libra: As feisty Mars continues to power through your sign, you may feel a lot more courageous about sharing your feelings. Though, calling your Statistics professor a 73-year-old white piece of dog shit maybe a bit much.
Saggitarius: Tuesday brings new dawn as the illuminating sun glides into your sign for a four-week stay. During that time, you will be more prone to skin cancer.
Capricorn: From Tuesday, you’ll be entering a yearly phase in which the cosmos encourages you to relax and unwind. Catch up on your spank bank and eat a box of doughnuts. Maybe bone one. Who knows?
Aquarius: Your social life will be enhanced by the presence of the sun in this sector on Tuesday, you’re also going to prison.
Pisces: You could find yourself in the spotlight as of Tuesday, your boss wants blood, and it’s your nuts their going to kick.