As the Democratic National Convention enters day two, President Donald Trump announced that he would be pardoning “someone very important” to himself and his administration.
“This is someone I have been very fond of since the beginning of the China Virus quarantine that has hurt so many,” President Trump said in his announcement. “This man, some say he’s a woman, but I asked him, and he said he was a man, so I’m going to say, man, was wronged in many ways. The Demoncrats took everything from him. A simple small business owner. Took everything. So wrong. But we’re going to change that. That’s why I’m pardoning, my good friend, Joe Exotic.”
Exotic, who is currently serving a 22-year prison sentence for the plot to murder his competitor and rival, Carole Baskin, was thrilled by the announcement.
“Thank you, President Trump,” Exotic expressed through tears over a video call. “For giving me back my freedom. I appreciate it, my tigers appreciate it, and all of my fans worldwide who have been, and still can purchase merchandise at my website, BuyJoeExotic.com, appreciate it. I’m excited to go back to Oklahoma, recollect my husbands, and smoke meth with my tigers.”
When asked why he chose to pardon Mr. Exotic at this time, President Trump made his intentions clear.
“The election is approaching, quickly, and the ‘Do Nothing’ Democrats are doing all they can to rig the election with mail-in voting,” Trump said. “It’s horrible. Everywhere you look, fake ballots are being mailed in from all over the country. Ballots from children, illegal immigrants, dead people, it’s a mess. And I decided that we needed a big change in my administration to fight against these phony votes. That’s why I’m making Joe Exotic my new Vice President.”
Mike Pence, who has yet to be informed of this decision, will be replaced by Mr. Exotic on the Trump ticket.
“As our first order of business, we’re heading to Oklahoma to kick that bitch Carole Baskin out of Joe’s Zoo,” Trump exclaimed. “Then we’re turning our sights to Sleep Joe and Kamala the Cop! And then we are going to win this election! The silent majority is waking up! Keep American Great Again!”