Dear environmentalists, conservationists, ecologists, and tree huggers everywhere,
This is a letter that I dreaded and never thought I would have to write, but like the melting of the ice caps, the time is nigh. I have decided to leave the movement. I have been at this for a long time. Trying to save the planet has taken up most of my young life. I now realize that Earth isn’t worth saving. Humans aren’t worth saving. I mean, look at this planet. Succession is good, and Aaron Rodgers joining the Jets will be entertaining, but that’s about it. I am checking the fuck out.
I recently started watching television and saw this excellent documentary that put things into perspective. It’s called “How Stella Got Her Grove Back.” And I realized how I couldn’t get my groove back if I never had a groove in the first place. And it’s made me realize I want to experience new things and live a new life.
And it was when I started watching Saved by the Bell: The College Years that it hit me. I need to go to college, and Mark-Paul Gosselaar, what a stone-cold fox! Am I right, ladies? That’s what the normal kids say about Mark-Paul Gosselaar, right?
Anyways. I need to go to college. I have been accepted to the University of Miami and will start taking classes this Fall. I want to have fun, play beer pong, join a sorority, and see what Will Smith was talking about when he was singing about the Latina mamis of South Beach.
As for my major, it definitely won’t be Environmental Studies. I didn’t want to say this, but I will get a degree in Economics and join an oil company because, after much reflection and with the way the buffoons of this planet act, I now believe that climate change is probably a hoax.
I’ve invested my time into YouTube channels that preach about the climate change hoax and how it was created by AOC and the Prime Minister of Canada to take God-given V8 engines away from the public. And after enough time of them repeating the same thing repeatedly, I have to give it to them; they make a compelling argument.
Yes, the planet is getting hotter, but I no longer care. If you have an issue with the hellscape this and every other summer is going to be, take a look at Antarctica. The last time I went, I still had to wear a parka. So there. No climate change.
Now that I have unburdened myself, I feel as light as the exhaust fumes of my classic 2004 Hummer I just bought! It rides like a dream, and poisons everyone I drive by.
In closing, Andrew Tate is not such a bad guy.
Fuck all of you,