Apple CEO Tim Cook announced that the tech giant will produce its own pornographic content, which will be preloaded and distributed on all its devices starting this fall.

“This transition will also establish a common architecture across all Apple products, making it far easier for users to reach their sexeual goals and optimize their climax throughout our entire ecosystem,” said Apple CEO Tim Cook.

With Apple making its own adult content, users’ favorite pornographic content can follow them seamlessly throughout the day. Apple Porn allows you to start your day with your cup of coffee and your morning wood cruising our vast selection of titles. Then, transition to your shower-mounted iPad and pick up exactly where you left off. No more fumbling and scrubbing through previously watched scenes,” said the Apple CEO.  

“Once it’s time to get into your vehicle and start your commute the scene you were watching will automatically be picked up and play an audio only version on Apple Carplay. Once arriving at the office you can pick right on your Macbook in the employee bathroom and come to a well deserved crescendoing climax.” 

An Apple spokesperson said that a visibly sweaty and flustered Cook had to take a few minutes before continuing his statement. Another unnamed Apple source noted that the company was tired of its users being at “the mercy of the dealers” when it came to porn consumption. “There are so many unsafe sites loaded with malware and viruses. We wanted our customers never to have to leave the safety of the Apple ecosystem, even to get their rocks off.

The Silicon Valley giant says that their pornographic library will be robust and can compete and should be able to compete formidably with any porn aggregator site on the market. Categories will include the standard fare of Amature, MILF, Anal, BDSM, Gay, and interracial. A special fantasy section called “Homemade Apple Pie” will include company-centered role-play scenarios and porn scenes, such as using oral sex as barter for a same-day appointment at the Genius Bar.     

Apple’s resident Rock Band, U2, will also get into the action, providing the background music for all pornographic scenes. The premium version of Apple Porn will be ad-free. However, the lower subscription tiers feature ads for Bono’s third-world debt relief plan. Apple and the Irish band will dub the new partnership Product White.