CRYSTAL CITY, VA – The latest Boeing mishap simply won’t fly.

The (now infamous) aerospace manufacturing company’s latest blunder sees them prematurely (and assumingly, accidentally,) publishing obituaries and memorial service information for the 11 new whistleblowers that came to light recently – you know, as in, the ones that are still alive.

“We’re very embarrassed by this, and promise we have NO idea how this could have ever happened, genuinely!” said a Boeing spokesperson who was reading from a prepared teleprompter. All of them were scary, like big gray and black suits with ties. Their faces were shadowed, like the cogs from ToonTown – don’t give me that look, you played ToonTown.

The 11 new whistleblowers are coming forward on the heels of at least two other deaths that must have slipped through the cracks and came to light for the public.

Lousy Human, with the help of someone whom we can almost surely assume is a virgin, tracked down screenshots and lifted PDFs of document pages from the dark corners of the internet.

The obituaries went into considerable detail, some mentioning gruesome death descriptions. For example, Michael Dubin, an aerospace quality engineer, was reported to have been “stuffed with a ton of burgers. Like a really really really really really really really really really really really really crazy number of burgers!!1111[sic]” The worst part of all this? Dubin is a vegetarian.

Another, this time targeting senior analytics VP Sebastian Rivers, states “she fell down the escalator at the mall and elicited laugher from a group of young, healthy, and attractive black teenagers (of age). She subsequently died in the hospital from 3rd degree embarrassment.” We’re not sure why they mentioned the race, or the fact they’re healthy and attractive either. But we’re glad they stated they were of age. Otherwise it would’ve made us really uncomfortable. But look, we’re just telling you what it said, alright? We don’t know why.

Though, these false obituaries only further add to the bizarre and unconventional death allegations made against the aircraft manufacturer.

Lousy Human reached out to Boeing for more information or insight into this publishing, but they have not returned the calls. Lousy Human was, however, able to connect with someone who used to work as communications coordinator at Boeing in 2017, and left because they showed up to work drunk too often.

“See, the thing is, they have all those things set to publish on specific dates,” says Robert Wilgum, who asked not to be named. “I used to always schedule it because I work in marketing, and everyone who works in marketing is a lying, cheating drunk, who is sick and stealing money through a litany of crimes such as time theft, plagiarism, and more.”

This undoubtedly raises the question on everyone’s mind – does Boeing have any involvement in these crimes? At the very least, are they aware of potential dangers against whistleblowers?

Many point the finger at Boeing and the insane coincidences lined up of people who talk shit, but we would beg to differ. After a very, very… thorough meeting with Boeing at an unnamed and unmarked compound deep in the Catskills, we’re here to say that they are a great company who we love very much, and you should not be at all alarmed by the sudden tone change.

The fact is, the (used to be really respected, now infamous) aerospace company is here to take you from point A to point B. They do such a great job of it, they clearly don’t have the time or capacity to take on more chores, because that’s what tying up loose ends is – a chore. And at Boeing, they connect, protect, explore, and inspire the world through aerospace innovation. And by that, they mean explore new ways to connect their protective (and private!) armed services who will explore the inside of your body with the inspiration of 1,000 lead bullets – only if you speak up that is.

So go ahead, book that flight, just “use the filter and make sure its Airbus,” said someone who is now dead.