In a surprising development from the front lines, North Korean soldiers deployed in Russia have scrambled to reassure comrades back home—and more importantly, any leadership with the authority to swiftly remove them from existence—that their newfound internet habits are meticulously regulated. While whispers of troops consuming “unpatriotic” content have circulated, the soldiers have clarified that they are absolutely not watching any unsanctioned material. If they were, they promise, the only content filling their screens would be exclusively Supreme Leader-centric, tastefully patriotic, and as one soldier described, “strictly featuring Kim Jong Un surrounded by baddies of the highest caliber, per state decree.”
One soldier’s leaked statement stressed the cultural importance of their viewing habits: “We would never sully the Supreme Leader’s honor by engaging in Western filth. Our entertainment is chosen to be 100% virtuous, solely showing our Dear Leader exuding power and charisma in his finest settings: yachts, private beaches, and select karaoke rooms with only the most refined companions.”
The pledge comes as Pyongyang leaders reportedly began receiving reports of soldiers scrolling through more than just government-approved propaganda while stationed near Russia’s Kursk region. But the troops insist their content remains patriotically wholesome. “Every scene we watch just reminds us of Supreme Leader’s unparalleled presence, where he brings strength and unity to groups of baddies who, through his grace, are empowered to bask in his glory.”
Meanwhile, their Russian counterparts, who lack similar patriotic programming, tell a different tale. “Every night, these guys gather around to watch hours of freakest material our servers can handle,” reported one Russian soldier, rolling his eyes. “They say it’s all for ‘military morale,’ but I’ve never seen anyone ‘study patriotism’ by watching someone wear a man’s ankles as earrings while strapped up.”
Still, the North Korean troops are doubling down, allegedly preparing reports on each “wholesome” video viewed, with summaries like, “This video reinforces the supreme charisma of our Dear Leader, elevating the morale of our loyal female comrades as they bask in his radiant power.”
As one soldier added in a hurried, handwritten footnote, “Please let this message reach Pyongyang. We are loyal. We are virtuous. And we sincerely beg for our lives.”