- Ask for a performance review. That’s what Sheila did, says my dad.
- Demonstrate that you’re an asset to the team by anticipating your boss’s needs. Sheila always talks about that one time when she ordered the restock of plates before her boss asked. You, too, can feel that sweet, sweet high.
- Wear fancier pants. Sheila says a good slack shows you’re not slacking. So clever.
- Time your request just right. Sheila’s boss had just been diagnosed with a brain tumor. Why say no to a raise when there are more important things to think about? Genius. Friggin’ Sheila.
- And if all else fails, manipulate your colleagues into believing your company has gone under. Nobody shows up on Monday, but you’re there. The boss loves it. Eats it right up. Automatic promotion. It’s your job to hire the new team. Hire idiots. No one else ever gets promoted, and you look like an A-player. Goddamn, you are so smart.
If you follow these tips, you can get that raise and convince your dad that you have worth, even if you’re the product of a past relationship with a woman he probably never loved.