Christmas is almost here, and you know what that means! 

The sensation that your childhood was wasted trying to parent your overemotional mother and now you’ll never experience the joy of holiday cheer because you have grown into a hardened adult who overcompensates for his vulnerabilities by spending money. 

Sure, your wife is kind and excitable. 

Thanks for the scarf, babe. I love it. I don’t really like blue but…whatever. Sure, your children are sweet as could be. 

Aw, little Mary! You look so nice dressed up for your Christmas concert. You have a solo? You’re performing Ariana Grande’s hit Christmas single, ‘Santa Tell Me’? That seems stupid. 

Sure, your boss is generous. 

Thanks for giving me the day off, Janine. No, sorry, I can’t today.‘Ole ball and chain, yanno? 

Somehow, you can’t shake the nagging feeling that if Jesus came back to Earth today and met you, he wouldn’t really like you. 

He’s right.

Maybe it’s mommy issues, or perhaps it’s your contract with  Lockheed Martin being the heartbeat of the American War Machine. Regardless, the holidays are tough for good ‘ole guys like you. 

But, keep your chin up and your Christmas sweaters on this season. If you convince your neighbors that you’re the husband they want, no one will know you’re sad.