“I almost don’t know what to do with myself,” Maybe I’ll catch a movie; is Barbie still out? Said White House mass shooter speechwriter Shelly Kwon, who finds herself with some rare and unexpected time off. With more mass shootings than calendar days in 2023, the 29-year-old Stanford graduate is one of the hardest workers in the West Wing. 

“There never seems to be a break when working this beat. Putting in a well-timed “Folks” to President Biden’s copy. Inserting a brow furrow, calling for sensible gun legislation that will never get passed, rhyming senseless with recklessness and so on; it never ends,” said Kwon. 

The White House staffer says she never has time to admire her work. “The next shooting is just around the corner.” 

Kwon is admittedly jealous of the downtime of her colleagues who cover less pressing topics like the environment, space exploration, or the Israel-Hamas war. Kwon spent most of her time preparing for the following inevitable speech and knew she would be burning the midnight oil soon enough.

“Christmas is almost here, so business should pick up soon. People love to get into the spirit, and unfortunately, in this country, it means opening fire on a mass quantity of innocent people.” Kwon says the job is more stable and eventful than her last one. Financial advisor for former Congressman George Santos. “I hear his Cameo is really taking off.”