Wanted: Orphan Girlfriend For The Holidays

Hello M’Ladies,

I’m currently looking for a sophisticated singled woman who would be willing to accompany me to family gatherings this holiday season.


  • At LEAST an 8 on a 1-10 scale.
  • Between the ages of 17 and 65 years old.
  • Open to polyamory.
  • Enjoy giving blowjobs without having the favor returned.
  • Down for anal.
  • A virgin.
  • Cooks, cleans, and does laundry.
  • Advanced anime/manga collection.
  • Into cosplay.
  • Knowledgeable in fedora and cane cleaning/polishing techniques.
  • Be financially independent and able to provide for me and my 7 cats.
  • Gets along with the most important woman in my life, my mom.
  • And has no living family members what so ever.

The last requirement is by far the most important qualification to date me this holiday season.

I am looking for an orphan or someone with no living relatives. I want you to be Batman.

I have no interest in being a part of anyone else’s family; I like my family perfectly fine, thank you very much.

Again, I WILL NOT be visiting anyone else’s family. This post is to rid myself of small talk with people I don’t know, discussing topics I have no interest in talking about.

So unless you’re completely alone on this planet with no one to call family, DO NOT ANSWER THIS AD! I WILL NOT RESPOND.

If you do find yourself alone in the universe and fit the requirements, shoot me an email ;).

My family is very kind with a lot of love to give. We can take you in, and you can be a part of our family.

You can be one of us.

Thank you for your consideration, and I look forward to your replies. *Tips fedora*

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