“Everything’s bigger in Texas.”
“The stars at night are big and bright deep in the heart of Texas.”
“It’s Dallas’s year this year, and ya’ll I know it.”
“You know, Texas is the only state with the right to secede and become its own country?”
“Shiner Bock.”
“Blue Bell.”
“Texans would rather freeze to death than take a handout from Big Daddy Gov.”
A new study published by the University of California Berkley revealed that after a study of more than 5,000 mammalian species, it has concluded that Texans can maneuver their heads farther up their anal cavities than any other mammal on the planet.
“It’s basically just confirming information that we all thought we knew but never tested,” said Wilbert Nye, the lead researcher on the team. “The study concluded that people from Texas have their heads farther up their ass than anyone else.”
The findings displayed that no matter if the topic, from barbeque and football to guns and politics, residents of the state of Texas are more than happy to boast their mediocrity.
The brainwashing begins from a young age with children’s books like “If You Mess With Texas I’ll Fuck You Up” and “Everywhere is Stupid, But Texas.” Then the process escalates to toys like “My First Boots and Spurs.” Children are then taught about history the Texas way, being one of the only states with an entire year of history in school dedicated to their own state.
By the time they reach adulthood, Texan’s heads are so far up their ass they believe that everything produced in the state is the highest quality in the universe and will defend that belief to their dying breath.
In response to Berkeley’s findings, they’ve begun drastically increasing the amount of carbon monoxide in the atmosphere above the state in hopes that those who live here won’t be alive much longer.
Researchers are confident in this plan but hoping the results come sooner rather than later.
“Fingers crossed,” Nye concluded. “May God not hold back on their souls.”