In response to the recent allegations of insider trading against Speaker Nancy Pelosi, her office released a statement on why her $5 million purchase of the tech company Nvidia’s stock before the Congressional semiconductor hearing was in no way illegal. The statement reads as follows:

“There seems to be a lot of speculation of whether or not my husband and I engaged in the illegal act of insider trading after a recent stock purchase my husband made independently of my knowledge.

First of all, I would like to remind those in the media and at home that what my husband and I do with our private money is nobody else business. Personally, I don’t think any public servant should be able to play the stock market, but I didn’t make the rules. 

For those of you who still have any doubt, I’d like to take this time to address why our outrageously suspicious behavior was definitely what you thought it was.

The first reason, I’m not poor. I have made a lot of money in my decades in Congress and will continue to do so. And as long as I have money that makes money, there should be no reason to look into how I make money as a public servant and what I do with said money. Plus, you know I have bail and lawyer money if you arrest me. 

Secondly, as the Speaker of the House and a member of Congress, I can do whatever the fuck I want. We all eat the ass of Wall Street, and no one will call us out about having a little shit on our chin with a mouth full of it. This reasoning holds weight in the case of Martha Stewart, who went to jail because having a cooking show won’t keep you out of federal prison. 

And three, if all else fails, my husband is the one purchasing the stocks. If push comes to shove, I will happily send his dumb ass to jail while I stay home and enjoy my freshly stocked ice cream fridge. I won’t even think twice about sending him to the pen for the rest of his miserable life. He should be counting his blessings that he isn’t there now after his DUI. 

So, there it is. I find myself not guilty on all charges, and anyone who thinks differently can kiss the most wrinkled part of my WASP ass.”