Sex Tips To Ignite Your Inner Fire

Good morning, sex lovers. I have years and years of experience with sex things and I’d like to give you some tips on how to get wild in the bedroom. Grab your butter and let’s get crazy. Whether you have an extensive background on love-making (like I do), or if you’re a total virg, you have something to learn. Let’s get into it. 

  1. Consent is key. This doesn’t just mean asking them if they want to participate in sex with you. This also means checking in during the experience. Checking for explicit consent can feel awkward, but here are some cheeky catch phrases that can dissolve the weird vibes for all parties:
    • Hey! I’d like to bang on you now. Thoughts?
    • May I proceed with the sexy vibes or do you wanna turn this car around? 
    • If you were a rocket ship, would you want to enter my vagina now, or not do that so much? 

Using analogies is a really effective way to make your partner feel safe. Comparing a 

penis to a rocket? That’s awesome. Definitely do that. This opens a space for your partner to say clever things like “HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM” if they’re uncomfy. 

  1. Once enthusiastic consent has been given, things can enter the next phase of love-making: love-making. If you don’t know what to do, bring out the COWBOY HAT.
    • C: Consent! Duh!
    • O: Offer her your hand in marriage.
    • W: Whip out the genitals.
    • B: Bust out the sexy songs (anything NSYNC tends to work brilliantly here)
    • O: Oh! (Make sexy noises)
    • Y: Yes! (Sexy noises continued)
    • H: Have you offered her a snack? (Sex on an empty stomach is a no go)
    • A: Anal.
    • T: Teeth.

There you have it, folks! All you need is a COWBOY HAT and you’re guaranteed a gratifying sexy time.

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