“I feel like a fucking Kenndy,” said Eugene Stewart of Medford, Oregon, as he admired his new Rockport boat shoes.

“In 2010 boat shoes had a moment, no doubt about that and their time has come again,” said the 46-year-old grocery store manager, who was keen on harkening back to when dependable footwear was a ubiquitous staple in the wardrobes of White men all across the U.S.

Stewart, who recently attended his next-door neighbor’s BBQ, was eager to tell anyone who would listen about the wonders and versatility of the dark-drown imitation leather pair.

Stewart would tell anyone who would reluctantly listen about the subtle nuances of Boat shoes.

“They’re not technically waterproof, but you can get them pretty wet, and the beauty is they dry quick, which makes them perfect for those Summer sun showers, that you know are just around the corner,” he’d say to sympathetic nods. “You can wear them with jeans, wear them with slacks, dress ’em up, dress ’em down; the possibilities are literally endless,” Stewart exclaimed to 16-year-old neighbor and high school junior Michael Sanders.

Stewart even implored the young man to wear a pair to his junior prom next week, saying: “ZZ-Top said it, ‘Every girl’s crazy about a sharped dressed man.'” Though the young man had no interest in getting his ass kicked.

After the BBQ, confident in the argument he made for his favorite footwear, Stewart’s wife, Allison, immediately filed for divorce.