After a 6-year study that involved 3.4 million dollars and 14,000 volunteers, Harvard Sound Science has uncovered a startling truth: your roommate can hear you weeping in the shower.

I interviewed lead researcher Billy Bonkers to discuss the implications of the study.

Em: Good afternoon, Billy. Thanks for speaking with Lousy Human. Could you give some insight into the general findings your team uncovered during the Sobbing Shower Study?

Billy: It’s Dr. Bonkers, thanks so much. To put it simply, the key finding is this: the water feels really loud to the person in the shower, so it seems comfortable to begin sobbing. But ultimately, the shower isn’t louder than the folks in the living room. Typically, shower sobbers are wailing. Absolutely crying so loudly no wall could contain the sound. So, the shower doesn’t soundproof that effectively regardless of what the acoustics from the inside are telling you.

Em: Why did your team choose to pursue this study, Billbo?

Billy: Dr. Bonkers. Uh, the team started investigating this study after we collected some data on roommate aggravation. We wanted to find out if there are any beliefs that cause roommate dissonance, and this seemed like a good one to investigate.

Em: Did it really cost you 3.4 million dollars to figure this out?

Billy: Yes, it did. We tested hundreds of showers with varying water pressure and stream size to see if we could find a shower that does sound-proof cries of desperation. Unfortunately, we found no such thing. The rest went to lining our pockets.

Em: Did you boys discover an alternative?

Billy: Um, the team of researchers has not yet investigated alternatives to shower crying. Maybe sitting in your car, I’m not sure. Something isolated.

Em: If I sit in my car and cry, my neighbor Joel calls the police.

Billy: Hm, that’s very interesting.

Em: Did you talk to Joel?

Billy: I… I did not.

Em: You seem uncomfortable Bob. Did you speak to Joel?

Billy: Dr. Bonkers. No, I didn’t speak to Joel.

Em: I’m going to call Joel. We’ll call the police on you. Billy: There’s… there’s no reason to do that.

Em: You’re stuttering.

Billy: I’m uncomfortable with this situation.

Em: I’m uncomfortable, too, Bobby.

Billy: Ok.

As you can see, the Harvard researchers made some profound discoveries that will certainly impact the daily lives of hundreds of thousands of showerers all over the globe and hopefully spare just as many the embarrassment. However, the future seems unclear. For now, they’re suggesting we find a new place to cry. I’ll be sure to cover the conclusive data on that as soon as it is released. I may collect this data firsthand. Stay tuned.