Due to the staggering number of applications flooding its system, United Parcel Service, better known as UPS, will now hold NFL-like combine tryouts for all looking to don the brown and gold. 

“You wouldn’t believe the sheer amount of young people wanting to deliver packages for a living, but hell at $170,000 a year who could blame them, that’s mob associate money,” said veteran UPS driver Jonathan Steel.

Head of UPS scouting Gerald Lunz says there are several “blue chip” prospects that the United Parcel Service has its eye on, but one stands out from the pack. He is none other than DHL farm system rookie Marion “Boom Boom” Jones. Jones amazed onlookers at the 2023 UPS combine, delivering a 50 lb 40-yard dash time in an astonishing 4.22 seconds. 

“Jones has everything you could want in a deliverer, speed, agility, poise, grace, and a body that can rock shorts in all climates. The kids’ got it all!” Says Lunz.  

Jones, who got the nickname “Boom Boom” by setting fires to grocery stores to collect insurance money for local business people, says that his dream has always been to deliver to UPS.

My momma always encouraged me to try sports, “Play football or basketball,” that was cool, but nothing gave me a rush like seeing the local UPS guy deliver my lighter fluid rocking that brown and gold … there’s nothing like it. 

Jones hopes to go in the first round of the inaugural UPS draft in October but may hold out and deliver a season for FedEx if the depot that drafts him doesn’t offer a hefty signing bonus. 

“If UPS tries to play me I’m going to deliver some packages for the other guys. Once they see what I can do on that pavement, they’ll come to their senses,” said Jones.

There was a time when UPS took anyone who could hold a steering wheel, but with the jump in salaries, those days are long gone,” said Lunz.  

“Now wearing the brown and gold is now synonymous with success with the exception of the San Diego Padres, of course.”