They hate their job. 

You hate their job. 

But they’re kinda sexy, to be honest. 

A dramatic, intense, wildly forbidden enemies-to-lovers arc would certainly make your bi-annual trip to the dentist more exciting. 

But how to go about it? 

I’ve had irresponsible relationships with seven different doctors in my lifetime (nine if you count JDs), so I feel highly qualified to discuss. 

Let’s dive in. 

Prerequisites 

A few things need to be present to make it possible to escalate your dentist/patient relationship to the next level. Here are the basics: 

1. They have to hate their lives. But they’re a dentist. So… consider that a given.

2. You can’t be very pleasant. If you’re pleasant, then they’ll consider leaving their wives for you. Trust me… you don’t want to get into that business. LOVERS. NOT SPOUSES.

3. Agility. You’re gonna have to be both physically and emotionally agile. In order for this to work, you’re going to have to execute some wack dentist fantasies. As much as you want a dentist to drill you, you need to consider your openness to being drilled by a dentist with a dental drill. Again. If it was going to be in-the-box stuff, they’d just do it with their wives. 

Execution 

This is a bit of a long game, but if you execute it right, you, too, can be having sex with your weird dentist. 

1. Go to your bi-annual dentist appointments but always be late and ornery. Do this for 5-7 years.

2. Increase emotional intimacy. You’ll want to start by asking him questions about his life. Cracking a man emotionally is a vital way to a) making him hate you and b) making him want to fuck you. Once he’s cried at your appointments for 1-2 years, he’s going to be prime for the picking. 

3. Use my magical line. “I have a thing for loser dentists.” Seriously, I swear to God it works every single time. 

4. Patience. He will likely yell at you for 17-25 minutes or so after you drop the line. Don’t lose confidence. It’s all going according to plan. 

5. Directness. Something like “Show me you’re not a loser then,” or “Put your penis on me,” will do just fine. As always in ethically and legally problematic relationships, you want to get consent. There could be plenty of lawsuits for other things, but you want to skip the felonies. 

6. Fuck. I assume you kind of know how to do this. If not, check out my other articles:

a. “How To Fuck Your Dentist Without Harming Your Teeth Or Inner Life”

b. “Fucking 103: Inappropriate Professional Relationships” 

c. “How To Have Intercourse Without Worrying About His Wife’s Feelings”

7. Post-Fuck. You have a few options regarding how long to carry on this affair for. My recommendation is to get a crown removal, fuck, have one more check-up, fuck, and then probably move to a different town and get a different phone number. Dentists are clingier than other doctors due to their meaningless lives. 

Enjoy your inappropriate professional relationship! When in doubt, just keep calling him a loser. He’s gonna hate that.