Written by: Reggie Wade and Joe Billi

Though colloquially styled as “Joe Biden,” few know the 46th President of the United States’ full name, Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. Many have speculated over the Commander-in-Chief’s unconventional middle name, with many simply believing it’s a family name.

“And I thought I had a weird name but honestly thought it was some Irish shit,” said Vice President Kamala Harris.

But the President recently opened up about the name “Robinette” and its strangely sweet origin: A contest for a lifetime supply of “Robinettes,” a now-defunct candy company that closed its doors in 1917. 

“Here’s the deal, my grandad loved those Robinette candies, and they were running some kind of contest that if you named your grandkid after the candy, you’d win a lifetime supply,” said Biden. “Why your grandkid specifically, I’m not sure. It’s pretty strange, but Granddaddy or, as his friends would call him, Daddy Longlegs jumped at the chance for a lifetime supply of his favorite candy. The funny part was that his legs were short. That’s what they did in those days. They’d give you a nickname opposite to what you were. They would call someone Fat, “Tiny,” or someone Black “Whitey,” Biden said to the disoriented generals gathered in the Situation Room who were there to discuss the ongoing war in the Middle East.  

 “Long story short,” he continued. “Daddy Legs Long looked at his newly born son, and said, ‘Listen, Jack, I know we were going to name you Joseph Jack Biden, but we could really use the chocolate.’ because Daddy hadn’t had the strength to get out of bed since Wanka closed the chocolate factory. And for a moment there, he thought everything was going to change. But just two years later, before ever receiving even just a niblet of chocolate, the Robinettes Candy Company went out of business and my dad was left footing the bill or the, uh, stupid name.” 

When one of the generals asked why his father decided not to end the name with him and passed it on to his son, Joe said, “Well, you see, it’s simple. He wanted me to be like Johnny Cash. When Johnny’s dad named him Sue and then fled out of the country, out of Tennessee, to go be a stud dealer at a saloon, he was made tougher for it. And he said, ‘That’s me’ and kept the name. So I kept that in mind. And every time someone made fun of me for my name, I thought, ‘This is what Johnny’s dad wanted’ and it kept me strong. And that strength would later help me deal with bad dudes like Corn Pop.”

“And that concludes my time for today,” Biden said. Then, he meandered around the room for a minute, looking for a door to find before an aid stepped in to escort him out.

“That sounds like bullshit,” General Military Mike said. “Johnny Cash didn’t write ‘Boy Named Sue’ until Joe was 22.”