Orlando Mayor Buddy Daguyer called an emergency press conference on Tuesday in conjunction with the state of Florida’s branch of the Environmental Protection Agency.

“As of recently, waste management experts in the city have begun to alert city officials to growing problems in our city landfills, ” said Mayor Daguyer. “ There has been a noticeable increase in the amount of, um, pocket, uh, pocket…”

Pausing momentarily, Buddy searched for the phrase that would offend as few people as possible.

“Pocket pussies,” interrupted Ima Fedup, an official with the Florida EPA. “Silicone vaginas, sex tubes, and trench wenches. It doesn’t matter what you call them. Landfills are being overrun with semen tubes because lazy men are treating them like they’re single-use. For the love of God, clean your shit! I’m sure your doctors would thank me, too. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before one of you little idiots gives yourself a bacterial infection that antibiotics can’t treat. Wash. Your. Shit. Bitch. This press conference is adjourned.”