Dear Concerned Citizens,
Election season is upon us, bringing a storm of terrifying lib-tard terminology. These dangerous words threaten to topple the very foundations of our great nation! As we prepare our march toward the 2024 Election, conservatives must be on high alert for this left-wing lingo—designed to brainwash our children and turn us into kale-eating communists. The DNC is unleashing a tidal wave of left-wing rhetoric this election season, so we must recognize and avoid these words at all costs!
Below is a list of liberal terms the “woke” leftists carefully crafted to strike fear into the hearts of freedom-loving Americans everywhere.
Remember if you hear them: stay calm, clutch your flag to your chest, and vote conservative this fall.
“Climate Change”
Translation: The liberals want you to believe the sky is falling, just because your neighbor bought a sick new truck. What’s next, a tax on breathing? I’m not saying the climate isn’t changing – but after 3 billion years, you’d think Mother Nature would be used to ‘change’ by now.
“Critical Race Theory (CRT)”
Translation: A radical new way to make your kids hate Thanksgiving dinner with fake news and history. To avoid this, just pretend U.S. history stopped in 1776, and it’s been perfect ever since. Because it is! USA! USA!
“Defund the Police”
Translation: Defund the police and replace them with social workers? Sure, because nothing stops a burglar like a stern lecture about his feelings. Next thing you know, our last line of defense is a mall cop.
“3rd Spaces”
Translation: 3rd Spaces – because who needs privacy when you can awkwardly bump into your neighbors on a daily basis? And free Wi-Fi? Too dangerous!
“Reliable/Accessible Public Transport”
Translation: Your car? A relic of the past. Your future? Packed like a sardine on a train between someone desperately clinging on to their sanity, listening to a motivational podcast at full volume, and an emotional support ferret.
“Reproductive Rights/Abortion Access”
Translation: Because if women are allowed to make their own decisions, what’s next? Freedom from ‘wifely duties?’ Or worse…career ambitions? If a woman’s life doesn’t revolve around her husband and children, well, she’ll just have to get used to the Handmaid’s Tale chic.
“Social Justice”
Translation: Brace yourself for endless marches and more hashtags than you can follow. How many social justice advocates does it take to change a light bulb? None—they’d rather dismantle an ‘oppressive system’ while keeping everyone in the dark.
“Socialism”
Translation: Time to learn how to share, comrade! Everything you own will be redistributed, starting with your BBQ grill. The next thing you know, you’ll be splitting your lawnmower with Karl Marx’s ghost.
“Universal Health Care”
Translation: Get ready to wait six months to see a doctor! Then doctors will eventually be replaced with YouTube self-help gurus, and your ‘prescription’ will be a motivational quote printed on hemp paper. You’ll be lucky to see a doctor before your eulogy gets written. You’d be better off getting a quote for a coffin instead of an MRI.
“Work-Life Balance”
Translation: Spending all your time at work complaining about needing a vacation. The idea is to work less but still somehow afford your rent…easy, right? Until you attempt a Zoom call on the beach, your laptop splashed with ocean water and covered in seagull shit.
Remember: Knowledge is power, and these terms are like kryptonite. Stay vigilant, and above all, stay conservative.
Yours in liberty and traditional values,
The Totally Unbiased Committee for Political Panic Prevention