We’re about halfway through the Fantasy season, and many of you are desperately scrambling for solutions to your 0-6 start. Although we here at Lousy Human aren’t big on boasting our prowess as sports analysts, we believe we have a solution.

Have you ever thought about fantasizing harder about your team? Have you ever tried it at all? No? I thought so, pussy. 

If you want to win your league, you need to dive head-first into the trenches and put your dick in the dirt. So you can start slow stroking it to how many points Derick Henry will put up this week. 

Being horny for your team’s success should be top of mind at all times. But there’s also a romantic component it as well. 

You need to wake up thinking about your lineup and the family you will start with them. Brush your teeth for them, the family vacations you’ll go on, and the memories you’ll make. Then put on your sexiest panties with the intention that Aaron Rodgers’ blown Achilles will blow your back out this week and win you that W.

At work, you need to be edging for Mondays, Thursdays, and Sundays. Teasing your guys, offering them seductively in trade offers, and moving them on and off the bench until their status goes from questionable to ‘ready to fuck.

And in the evenings, when you get home exhausted from being used like a disposable resource by your employer and ready to end it all, you need to be replacing those thoughts of suicide with Lamar Jackson’s big, juicy scoring a touchdown. Then, wet dreams about the championship all night.

Then, and only then, will you achieve any success in the world of Fantasy Football. And if you still lose, at least you spent the season turned on. And really, isn’t that its own kind of victory?