Best Cities For Putin To Nuke

As the day of reckoning draws near, you may be asking yourself, “Where is the best place for Putin to drop the nuke?” Well, the correct answer is right on your fucking head. Do you want to survive a nuclear holocaust? No. 

But, if it was out of your control, which it is, there are a few ideal options. That might be where some of you live. And to that, I say, “I hope it’s better where you’re going, chief.” Let’s get started.


Not to beat a dead horse by saying Detroit, Cleveland is a clear choice for the perfect blast zone. It was all but a wrap for the city after O’dell Beckham Jr. shit all over their city, winning a Super Bowl with the Rams against a more successful Ohio sports team. Mix that with shit weather, cancerous drinking water, and being a northern state that identifies with the Confederacy, Russia would be doing a couple of people a favor. 

San Fransico

The epitome of a capitalistic liberal hellhole. Overrun and ruined by douchebags and big tech, they will do everything but provide adequate social services to those that need them while bathing in their progressivism. Instead, they’d let you shit in the street legally or set up a tent and steal every meal like you’re fucking Aladdin than allocate tax dollars to providing for the impoverished. Nuke them. 


Not a city, I know. This one is the dealer’s choice. Any city in Texas is fine. Everything from Greg Abbot and Ted Cruz to the Dallas Cowboys and the Alamo can go. Just get rid of that God damn Texas smugness. And before you say it, even Austin. Being the only progressive city in a Christo-fascist wet dream doesn’t exempt you from radioactive combustion. You can get it too. 

Surprised Florida didn’t make the list? Don’t be. Nuking them would cause more issues for the United States than Florida already causes. They’d survive like roaches. And then what? Radioactive Floridians. No one would be safe. And that’s a box that should be left unopened. 

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