Russia Halts Invasion As Teens Worldwide Go ‘Booty Up’

Vladimir Putin and Russian troops are now positioned to attack Ukraine any day. However, sources note a new pause taking place across Russian lines. 

“Putin is being harassed online,” said Igor Igorsky, a source close to the Kremlin. “By suicidal teenagers.”

In an effort to prevent World War Three, teenagers across the globe have taken to the internet to tell “Daddy Putin” their “feelies” on the Ukrainian conflict.

“Please don’t nuke us, daddy <3,” @Pwerbttm69 commented. “I’m too young to die in a nuclear holocaust, but who am I to kink shame?”

“Promise there will get catgirls in heaven, Daddy P?” @Formalacidtrip11 replied.

“Will you UwU with us in heaven?” @Furrymike62 asked.

“My booty is up for you! Pls don’t do it :(,” Another whos’ name we won’t print begged.

In response, the President has turned off comments on his official Instagram account while he contemplates the state of human existence.

“He’s thinking about ending the human race for the good of the universe,” Igorsky concluded. “Something about, maybe Thanos was right.”

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