What To Do When You Hate Your Best Friend’s Boyfriend’s Face

If you’re anything like me, you are best friends with the most funny, intelligent, kind, and beautiful woman in the world. She lights up every room she walks in. You kiss the ground before her as she steps. And rightfully so– she is a goddess, and you, a mere mortal.

But now she’s dating a man with one of those faces that makes you want to punch him before he’s even said a word.

How do we, the support system and emotional backbone of these angel women, manage when having to witness them date a man with a 10/10 punchable face?

Here’s the plan. It is simple but requires a little preparation:

You will put prosthetics over your eyes and tell your best friend and her boyfriend that you have suffered a terrible accident. This tactic is effective for a few reasons. First, you don’t have to see his ugly face; second, it’s a test. You can make sure that her boyfriend is kind in situations of adult-onset blindness. The lack of kindness in adult-onset blindness scenarios is a huge red flag.

Before you leave your house with eye prosthetics, you need to consider a few things. Primarily, it would help if you determined what, exactly, happened that left you without eyeballs but didn’t injure the rest of your body. My favorite excuse is a chemical accident in a lab. This lie, of course, requires you to have a backstory that places you in a lab. And, because you don’t want your best friend to know this is a sham, you may or may not have to enroll in a chemistry Ph.D. program to increase your proximity to labs and chemicals.

Another good excuse is claiming a man stabbed you in the alley with not one but two steak knives right to the eyes. This one is a bit more gruesome, so if your angel bestie is prone to anxiety (as they often are), I would steer clear of this suggestion.

To apply the prosthetics, you need to hire a make-up artist who has copious experience with prosthetics. In an ideal situation, they would teach you how to use your own prosthetics to keep you from a daily bill for eternity. But if you’re more of a DIY-gal, you can also hop on Youtube and search “How to cover my eyes with prosthetics to block the ugly face of my best friend’s boyfriend.” They’ve got everything on Youtube.

Finally, you need to spend hours studying the ways that people without vision move. It’s important that you represent the blind community with grace and accuracy. It would be really fucked up to pretend to be blind and then be insultingly terrible at the execution.

And then that’s it! You keep that going until she breaks up with him and hope it comes sooner than later.

Of course, when she finally dumps him, all you have to do is remove the prosthetics and say you were method acting for a film that ultimately never gets produced. It’s perfect!

I hope you feel encouraged and optimistic about your new way of avoiding his gross face.

Leave a Reply