A disturbing, illegal, and admittedly brilliant new trend has emerged amongst heartbroken teens: swatting your ex and their family. 

“It makes you feel better knowing that they might have broken your heart, but you put them and their parents at risk of being shot by the cops,” one local teen had to say in support of the practice. “You put tears in my eyes, so I put shit in your pants.” 

However, police are now working with vigor to put an end to this practice after several incidents have left local parents and children traumatised.

“In the last month, we have several instances that have left our department looking incompetent and will cost the city millions in lawsuits,” said Sheriff Ted Whitestache. “Our officers have killed family pets, handcuffed children, and shot a father masturbating in his own office. We’ve done all that before, but that was just yesterday.” 

Sheriff Whitestache also touched upon his recent promotion to Sheriff. 

“And as many of you know, our department ramped up these investigations into the matter after an internal incident with our own department,” he said. “Officers arrived on the scene of a call, and upon entering the dark, seemingly abandoned dwelling, officers were frightened by a child’s surprise party, killing everyone in the house, including our former Sheriff, Kurt Klansman. Although I am grateful to be in this position, I would’ve liked to receive it for a different reason, like the identity fraud scam he was running with an internal gang of officers or the incidents of sexual favors he received to avoid punishment, or all the CP on his work computer. But here we are today.” 

Though, there doesn’t seem to be an end for the current situation plaguing the city.

“We honestly have made no headway in preventing these instances from happening,” he concluded. “I’m on here begging you, please tell your kids to cut the shit. I’m begging you. I’ll suck your dick even. Just please stop. Because we will show up, and we will kill your dog and probably the rest of your family.”