Florida — Parents of a 32-year-old said “goodbye forever” to their son after being in a coma for more than six months, sparking a national interest that hasn’t been seen since Terri Schiavo captivated America’s television sets. 

“After months of waiting and thousands of dollars in what will surely be life-altering medical debt, we decided to send Tanner to live with Jesus,” said Karen Whitmum. “The doctors are still unsure how this happened, but our promise to our son is that we will work to put a stop to this horrific trend.”

Tanner was initially found unresponsive in his room after “gooning,” or the act of edging one’s self to the point where loss of brain function begins to occur. Though doctors say this is the worst case they’ve ever seen. 

“This guy must’ve been gooning for several hours before losing consciousness based on the lack of brain activity we saw in the patient,” a doctor on staff explained. “Some say that the brain activity isn’t ‘lost’, instead ascended to the next dimension. But I think that’s all bullshit. This guy just slow stroked himself until he couldn’t stop drooling. And I for one, refuse to feel bad for him.”

Ricky Marin General Hospital representatives reached out to echo the doctor’s sentiments.