Lonely Patriot Heart

RED-BLOODED AMERICANS ONLY! 

Man, 53, no pronouns. I, a recently divorced estranged father of three, am in search of a younger (18-24 years old) traditional God-fearing Christian woman looking to serve God (spiritually) and me (sexually) during the Civil War II. Firearms training, advanced survival skills, and a strong hatred of the federal government are required. Willing to die for a cause. Making my bitch ex-wife jealous is a plus.

Like Fine Wine

Widow, F, 79, looking for a many people as I can fit in a room and me! No age or gender requirements. Must like Chappell Roan and cocaine. Doctors gave me a week to live. 

We Were in The Grocery Store

Your kid destroyed the free sample display after the woman working there said he could only have two. Then you tried to scold him, and he said he would tell the cop at the front you beat him, so you gave him your phone and let him sit in the cart. Show some respect for yourself and put that thing down.

When I Find You

You know who you are and when I find you, I am going to fucking GET you.

Fighting The Hat Man

HELP WANTED: SUPERNATURAL WARRIORS

I took too much Robitussin, and now I’m being haunted by the Hat Man. I need a team to go to his world and defeat him. Experienced robo-trippers only. If you’ve fought him before even better. Cannot ensure your safety. I have only tried this once before. Located in New York City, but can enter his realm from anywhere. Please help. I am not Aaron Rogers.