Dear Mr. Palmer, 

We’re contacting you because you recently requested burial arrangements for you and your family at our cemetery. We wanted to inform you that your request was approved after processing your $500,000 donation. 

We will begin the construction of your family’s 1,200-square-foot limestone tomb next week. The $750,000 deposit must be received by Friday at the latest, along with your completed Afterlife Checklist(attached), chosen hieroglyphs, and preferred burial linen. Once construction is completed, the remaining $1,250,000 is due. 

Then, upon the passing of your 12-year-old Golden Retriever, Bailey, you, your wife, and three children, along with your beta fish, Michem, will come in for the mummification ceremony, where you will be sedated for your eternal rest. Please be sure to have any items you would like to take to the afterlife at the time. 

If you have any questions about the tomb, burial, or afterlife, please contact Theresa, your Afterlife Coordinator. She will be more than happy to assist you with any questions you have about this life or the next and will be there every step of the way to ensure that your transition to eternal life is as seamless as possible. 

Under the watchful eye of Ra, Osiris, and our premium embalming team,

Beth Matterson