VP Candidate J.D. Vance has been making headlines in recent weeks, pointing his fat, bloated finger at Haitian immigrants in Springfield, Ohio, causing panic among the lead-poisoned residents of Springfield, Ohio, who believed these refugees were stealing family pets and eating them. Although these accusations have been unfounded and disproven by state and city officials, the failing love child of Billy Mayes, a used car salesman and a couple of lines of Oxyclean, continues to push the issue when given the opportunity. 

The allegations were strange enough, but when Vance heard the news that a Haitian immigrant had, in fact, eaten his wife’s pussy, it sent him spiraling. The Ohio senator retreated to his campaign bus, blasting Disney pop-punk as if to drown out the trauma.

“He’s been distraught since he heard the news,” a campaign representative told Lousy Human. “He’s just been sitting in the back of the bus, refusing to leave his little room, blasting that shitty Disney pop-punk album he loves so much. He hasn’t even left to go to the bathroom. It’s starting to smell! Last night, he had a delivery guy slip 16 boxes of Papa John’s through the rear window. The whole thing is crazy. He doesn’t even like his wife. Like, at all.”

With an upcoming rally in Michigan, many in his camp are concerned that he will not shake the devastation and reemerge to bore the Traverse City crowds. Many are worried that even if he does, they won’t like the J.D. they see. Those close to Vance say this isn’t the first time he’s had an emo meltdown.

“If he comes out for Michigan, we know one thing for sure: the guyliner will be heavy,” the representative shared. “And that’s going to be super fucking embarrassing.”