On the night of January 24th, Mary Romeo, 56 came home from a night out with some of the ladies from work.
“I was so fucking drunk. Karen from Human Resources has been up everyone’s ass for the last month trying to get people to stop smoking pot in the parking lot and doing coke in the bathroom, so we really needed a night out,” she said. “Coming home at 1 am on a Wednesday, you’d think my dumbass husband would have put the kids to bed and be sleeping himself.”
But, what Mary came home to was a bustling house of still very wide awake children and a husband passed out on the couch.
“So after digesting further proof that he is fucking useless the little fuckers came up to me saying they were hungry,” she sighed. “Luckily, so was I. So I entered the kitchen to please the little demons and satisfy my booze driven hunger.”
What she found was an odd mish-mash of options.
“Mac and Cheese here, aging bacon there, cinnamon roll dough, and tater tots. All great on their own, or together when you’re plastered, but I couldn’t let my kids see me like that,” she explained. “But, then I looked over and saw the holy grail of internet shit eating.”
She saw the waffle maker.
“I swear it had an aura.”
And with a spark of imagination, she began to go to work.
“I started waffling the shit out of all of it. Waffled mac, waffled bacon, waffled cinnamon rolls, tater tots, hotdogs. I waffled it all.”
What she was left with was a waffle iron Pinterest board covering half of her dining room table. Her, her children, and her piece of shit husband, Dave sat down to a midnight snack they won’t soon forget.
“I was so proud of myself, my stomach was all over the place with joy. Or at least I think. I threw up like 10 minutes later, but I think that was the booze, or the old bacon, or a combination of the two. Who knows?” She concluded, “All I know is that I will be breaking out the waffle maker every Thursday morning for years to come and it’s all thanks to me and Jose Cuervo.”