In this installment of “Human Male Rituals,” we’ll examine the mechanics of what we here at Lousy Human like to call “boners with the homies.”

For centuries, male homo sapiens have gotten together to celebrate or mourn a fellow companion getting married or divorced or seek refuge when the group fails to find female mates. 

Together, they venture out to a predetermined location after getting heavily intoxicated. However, the group will plan to drink more upon arrival. 

Once at what in modern times is called “the strip club,” the men will select a table either closer to the main stage or further back depending on how timid the particular pack is. When seating is established, the males will then break off into clusters to acquire currency if not already in hand. The currency will be used to negotiate with the females for varying levels of intimacy. 

From there, the pattern is clear. Females on stage will entertain the men, extracting smaller sums of money from the men by performing tricks. In contrast, the remaining females will work the crowd, providing one-on-one attention to remove any remaining money from the group. 

The now semi-erect men will select a female to trade with, going off with them to receive the services they’re too scared to do with their friends. 

The group will leave later that night unsatisfied. Intoxicated, out of money, and without orgasm, the males will return to their shelter. Taking with them only the memories they will use to jerk off later.