Twitter erupted on Sunday as former President Donald Trump arrived in Washington, D.C., seemingly plucked directly from the golf course, still dawning his golf cleats. Questions quickly arose surrounding the choice of attire, sparking rumors of medical issues or an indictment.
But the internet went absolutely feral when Trump, his son Eric, and a few other rotund conservative swine, were caught on camera riding out to the ninth hole of Trump’s Virginia golf club, which he closed for the day to “play a round of golf.” Though candid photos of the secret meeting reveal not a single golf club or bag was present between the former President and his cohorts.
Instead, the men could be spotted standing on the 9th hole of the course, standing in a huddle and looking around frantically before getting spooked and moving on to the next hole. They would do this for three more holes before settling in on the 12th hole.
It was there the men, looking over their shoulders as they had before, silently began to give each other a thumbs up. Eye-witness footage was able to record the discussion that ensued.
“We could not be any more fucked if we tried,” Donald Trump can be heard on the audio, trying to keep his voice down though noticeably agitated. “Biden and the DOJ got me by the fucking balls, and it’s all because of you losers. It should be you, it should be your little nuts being grab, but no, they’re mine. I don’t know whether to kill you all or bury you alive next to my wife. I could plant each one of you at your own hole like a stupid little plant. Then I could pass by and say, ‘oh hey, there’s Sean Hannity, the dipshit that tried to screw me, but I murdered him first’ would you like that?”
“After all my father has done for you, sluts,” Eric chimed in.
“Shut up, Eric,” Trump harpooned. “So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to be very generous for your continued loyalty. I’m going to give you the opportunity to unalive yourself before I have to give you the Clinton treatment.”
“Kill yourself, sluts!” Eric yelled.
“ERIC!” Trump screamed.
“Fuckin’, sluts,” he muttered.
Trump continued, “If not, you all have to.” Gesturing toward the pin before the audio on the video cuts out completely “for my entertainment,” it cuts back. The men then began to drop their pants and warm themselves up before taking turns showing off their best R&B playlist-deserving moves on the 12th hole in what would become an environmental gangbang on the 12th green. Trump and his son can be seen laughing and pointing as the men molested the green, giving the occasional kick in the ass to some for added amusement.
It wouldn’t be until they were toweling off that they noticed they were being filmed. Spooked, the group ran to their cars and scatted in different directions, losing the witness completely.
“I thought it was just a criminal get-together at first,” Silverpebble concluded. “But after seeing what they did to that poor golf hole, there’s definitely a satanic sex cult element to it as well. And that’s all I will say about that.”