In a star-studded event that has not been seen in decades, King Charles III and Queen Camilla will be crowned at Westminster Abbey in London, England. Buckingham Palace officials have made the schedule of the day’s events available to the media, which goes as follows:
6:00 am: Coronation viewing areas will open along the main procession route, and collectively wonder why this event is happening seven months after the man already became King.
7:15 am: Guests arrive at Westminster and are disappointed when they realize they are not attending the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show.
9:00 am: The congregation begrudgingly takes their seats, wishing they were also at the dog show.
9:30: Noted Coronation guests, including the royal family, heads of state, and former prime ministers, arrive. Prince William will welcome those in attendance and politely remind them, “This is not the fucking dog show.”
9:45 am: Half the audience leaves.
10:20 am: The King and Queen will travel from Buckingham Palace to Westminster Abbey in the Diamond Jubilee State Coach. King Charles will then stop to lay a wreath in honor of all the women the Royal Family has killed on his behalf.
11:00 am: The coronation ceremony officially begins. The Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, welcomes the world television audience and reminds them if they are looking for the dog show it’s on channel 12.
11:15 am: Right before Charles III is crowned, a rendition of “Wind beneath my wings” will be sung by a refugee choir comprised of the nations from which all of the U.K. crown jewels were stolen.
1:00 pm: The coronation ends, and the procession back to Buckingham Palace will begin. Almost 4,000 military personnel and drunk chimney sweeps who wandered onto the parade route from London’s back alleys are expected to be involved.
5:45 pm: The Royal Salute is where we will see the King and Queen be saluted on the West Terrace of Buckingham Palace’s garden, after which the military personnel present will give three cheers and immediately rush to clock out to avoid the Crown having to pay overtime.
6:00 pm: Members of the royal family will gather on the balcony of Buckingham Palace for the fly-past, which will pay homage to Charles and Camilla. Prince Harry will look on from the Abby below and pray that his bribe of Royal Air Force officials to bomb the palace was accepted.