Congress has issued a bipartisan border security plan over the weekend that includes many common sense measures to keep illegal border crossings under control. One measure at the center of the proposed bill is switching the “Welcome to America” border signs to “Welcome to the Phish concert. 

“When it comes to deterring people from coming into this country, I think a reminder that the U.S. is home to the Phish serves as a sobering tale that this place ain’t all it’s cracked up to be,” said Democratic congressman from Burlington Vermont Gary Slater.  

The new plan has been tested at sites along the Southern border, yielding significant results. 

“I was coming to America with my three children for the hope of a safe life away from our violence riddled home in El Salvador, but once I realized that Phish comes from America, I think we’ll take our chances with MS-13,” said 38 year old Hector Perez.

“I’ll tell ya what, they hauling their asses back from the border in the droves! I tell you what this plan is slicker than cum on a gold tooth,” said GOP congressman Kevin Rupp of Texas.  

The pilot program will go on for a few more weeks. However, at this rate, the country might have a new problem: Americans flocking to Mexico and Central America in search of musical acts they can be proud of.