When it comes to the Olympics, the United States is no stranger to the podium, currently among the top five countries competing in this year’s summer games. But for some reason, the United States Shooting Team seems to be “missing the mark,” with zero medals earned in several shooting events.

However, after catching USA Women’s Rugby center Ilona Maher eating a 96-pack of crayons in the arena stock closet, we were able to snag an exclusive interview for Lousy Human that certainly wouldn’t fall under extortion. 

“They’re having a real tough time out there,” she crunched. “And the honesty is starting to get a little too real over there.”

Maher inferred that some of the team, particularly the white members, are having trouble shooting, given the shape of the targets. 

“Yeah, word on the street is that the targets aren’t shaped like the targets they’re used to at home,” she said. “Nothing about the size but the shape of the targets. They’re not, um, innocent enough for them?” Getting nervous, she munched on a few more red, white, and blue crayons. 

When pressed further on what she meant buy the target’s “innocence” and what it had to do with their shape, she broke, “You know, they don’t look helpless enough. Like, uh, I don’t know. Kids! They don’t look like kids. Some are even a little upset that the events are being held outdoors and not in the agreed upon actively in-use elementary school so the shooters could be in a more natural environment. I don’t even know what I’m saying, man. I just run super fast and run over bitches.” Making a break for it, she ran out of the closet, double-fisting half-eaten Crayolas and cutting the interview short. 

With just a few events left, the chances of touching the stage for USA Shooting look bleak. Only time will tell if they can overcome these unnatural conditions and learn to shoot for sport instead of bloodsport like every other developed nation on the planet.