In 2024, the American Dream is in a fentanyl-induced coma, lying face down in a puddle of its own piss, gasping for air. The rule book is on fucking fire, and it’s time to jump on the latest get-rich-quick scheme, so you hopefully don’t have to kill yourself on your lunch break in a Walmart parking lot because you don’t have enough bank credits to afford your Nestle Air subscription.

To help you escape, we’ve compiled the list of the best possible scenarios for you to make some money and postpone your great retirement party in the sky. 

Crypto Trader

Probably one of the weakest ways to make a fast buck currently, crypto-trading hit its peak in 2021 when people lost their fucking minds from being in government-mandated isolation and had some fresh cash on hand that they were looking to piss away on some blockchain bullshit, causing a huge spike in demand letting some like those long-faced fucking weirdo twins from the Social Network to make some serious cash. Today, if you have some of Daddy’s cash on hand to lose, you could still possibly invest in the next biggest currency before it hits, such as Lousy Human’s Dickcoin. 

Onlyfans

If you’re a mildly attractive woman willing to put in some serious legwork and perhaps get a few Instagram accounts banned from putting out extremely questionable content that may or may not be seen by minors, Onlyfans can make you a lot of money. Some say the hardest part is building a community, but others know it’s when your non-biological uncle subscribes to your page. And if you’re a man, you better get comfortable with putting stuff up your ass.

TikTok Shop

Looking to make money fast and build your own e-commerce empire? Then the TikTok shop is your fortune maker. At least, that’s what hustle bros on TikTok tell me. All you have to do is find a product that is going “viral” on TikTok, buy it online from Chinese sweatshop slaves for pennies on the dollar, and then sell it to demented boomers and braindead millennials on Amazon at a 3000% markup. 

Right-wing Grifter

Are you a past their prime entertainer? Religious creep who’s been pushed out of your own community for touching kids? A trash-ass swimmer who got fucking wrecked by someone changing their literal biology while beating your ass? Then you might be suited for a career in right-wing grifting! There’s no talent necessary to be a grifter; simply pick a hot-button issue and make it your entire personality while claiming the communists are trying to cancel and kill you. Middle of the country dipshits with brain worms larger than the one rattling around RFK Jr’s head will line up to send you money. From commemorative coins, AI NFTs, shoes, supplements, and holy water to pillows, coffee, and bible/constitutions. There’s nothing those idiots won’t buy from you once you’ve joined the team. I can already hear Joe Rogan deep breathing with one hand on the dial and the other on his cock, just waiting to have you on his podcast. 

Sugar Daddy

Possibly the oldest way to make a lot of money on the list is getting a sugar daddy. These old men with too much of their family’s money to spend are always looking for the latest thrill. Even if that means giving insane amounts of money to a beautiful young woman whom he tracks on Find My Friends, who occasionally talks to him. Although inherently sexual in nature, he won’t be able to resist the urge to father you from time to time, desperately trying to make up for the failures he committed against his own children. 

Pedophile Hunter Live Streamers

For those with some rage or autists with a strong sense of justice, firing up your Kick stream and setting off to the chatrooms to catfish some pedophiles might be your chosen career path. Once you’ve found some freak looking to meet up with you, it’s time to plan the justice you’re going to serve. This could range from slapping them in a Walmart deli, giving them a swirlie in a public bathroom, or having a Soundcloud rapper shave off their pubic hair. And if you can’t find any real pedos online, just pay some pathetic schmuck $100 to star in your video. You’ll get the content you are looking for, and they will have to live with people looking at them with suspicious, vague recognition for the rest of their lives. 

If none of these options work for you, your best bet is to buy the gun you’re going to use at your forever retirement party in the parking lot now. This way, you can start making payments on it now before you can’t afford that shit, either.