In a bizarre move, Blue Cross Blue Shield seemingly offered up its CEO as the next volunteer to get flatlined by a silenced Mousekatool, announcing that it will no longer pay for anesthesia if a surgery takes longer than the company’s algorithm deems appropriate.

In one of the most braindead statements Lousy Human has ever heard from someone not impervious to bullets, BCBS CEO Kim Keck claimed medical professionals were “milking the clock” and described surgeons as “lazy.”

“Blue Cross Blue Shield will no longer cover anesthesia for operations that exceed their designated timeframes,” Keck told reporters, many of whom instinctively ducked behind their chairs. “For example, heart surgeons are taking 12 hours on a quadruple bypass or 8 hours to remove a brain tumor, when our algorithm clearly states these are 30-minute procedures.”

Keck explained the move would reduce “unnecessary costs” and, most importantly, increase shareholder value. For patients concerned about “excess anesthesia charges,” she offered a bold solution.

“We’re giving patients the option to thug it out,” Keck announced proudly. “If your procedure runs over, you can choose to complete it without anesthesia. Think of it as a test of grit—and a way to save on those pesky medical bills.”

Reporters nervously scribbled notes as she continued.

“Our data shows that most patients will pass out from the pain before they even realize their surgery is being freeballed. And let’s be honest, if whiskey could get your great-great-grandfather through a Civil War amputation, it should be good enough for you.”

She concluded with a chilling grin:

“So remember, pain builds character—and shareholder value.