Marjorie Taylor Greene is Enjoying Kevin McCarthy’s Chapstick

Marjorie Taylor Greene’s Kinky Plans for Kevin McCarthy’s Used Chapstick

“At first when I bought it I thought they meant his penis,” Greene told reporters after the purchase. “I’ve seen his penis on multiple occasions and I would always compare it to a little tube of chapstick so when the auctioneer said ‘Kevin McCarthy’s used chapstick, $100,000’ I dove on it.” 

The chapstick was in fact just a tube of chapstick used by the Speaker of the House. But, reports from inside Speaker McCarthy’s office say there’s more to it than there seems.

“The Speaker has been daydreaming for a week about what someone would do with the chapstick once they purchased it,” said one of the speakers interns who asked to remain anonymous. “I think when it was proposed that it would be more of a joke like ‘Oh, Kevin used this on his lips and now some woman who thinks he’s cute is going to buy it and use it too.’ But the speaker had been using that thing on his dick and nipples every day, three times a day since the auction was announced.” 

Taking her confusion in stride, the self-proclaimed white Christian nationalist from Georgia was ready to enjoy her prize. 

“I’m going to use the hell out of it,” she said. “Maybe I will reach out to Kevin later and see if I can see his other chapstick.” 

Though those around her office are concerned.

“She’s just been locking herself in her office three times a day, every day,” a member of Greene’s administration said. “Rubbing that shit on her dick and nipples.”

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