New York City – In a stunning display of cognitive gymnastics, a group of Evangelical Christians has attributed the recent smoke over the city to none other than the Devil himself and are losing their fucking minds. Announcing his imminent arrival on Earth.
The faithful believers, with an uncanny ability to connect the dots in ways that defy logic, have concluded that the smoke is a clear sign of the Devil’s presence. One self-proclaimed prophet, Mike, 33, from Williamsburg, even proclaimed, “The sky is darkened, and the Devil’s minions are among us. Brace yourselves for the ultimate showdown between good and evil! Those that gave in to temptation will now get butt-fucked by the devil for all eternity!”
While their passion for apocalyptic theories is admirable given the very real hellscape we live in, their hysteria is, as usual, misplaced.
“I hate to break it to them, but smoke is primarily composed of fine particles and chemicals released during combustion,” remarked Dr. Science, a renowned atmospheric scientist at the Soros Globalist Institute. “It has absolutely nothing to do with demonic entities plotting their grand entrance. Rather, it’s a very real and grim reminder of the consequences of our own actions on the environment.”
Nevertheless, the Evangelical community remains steadfast in its belief. They see the Devil’s hand in everything from natural disasters and traffic jams to McDonald’s messing up their order and Disney being gay.
Local pastor Reverend Hallelujah Glory hailed the smoke as a sign of God’s mercy and grace. “We must repent and cleanse our souls to avoid the wrath of the Devil,” he preached passionately to his congregation. “The time has come to abandon our sinful ways and invest in holy air purifiers to combat this spiritual assault. Only $799 on my website RightwingChrisitianGrifter.com.”
Critics argue that such interpretations reflect a remarkable lack of understanding of basic scientific principles. They point to the overwhelming consensus among experts that climate change is caused by human activities, such as burning fossil fuels and deforestation. But hey, who needs facts when you have a vivid imagination and blind faith?
As the smoke slowly dissipates, New Yorkers can breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that the Devil is not, in fact, about to descend upon them. And that there will be not Christ rapturing those who have been most loyal. Instead, they must confront the harsh reality of climate change and its detrimental effects on the planet. It’s a far cry from the epic battle of good versus evil that some were eagerly anticipating, but perhaps it’s a reminder that we need to focus on tangible solutions rather than mythical scapegoats. Though, that is wishful thinking in the era of dumbassery.
In the end, while the Evangelical Christians continue their quest to decipher the hidden messages in everyday phenomena, the rest of us will be working, literally just going to work. Most of us are living paycheck to paycheck and can’t afford the luxury of crying about the coming of the devil. For many of us already realize, that we already live in a capitalist hell.