In preparation for his State of the Union Address, President Joe Biden and his team are pulling out all the stops to ensure the president doesn’t have a demented episode in front of the whole country.

“When it comes to Joe,” an anonymous staffer said. “Dementia has fucking hands. And honestly, the vanilla ice cream just ain’t cutting it anymore, so we had to change things up a bit.”

The team has working tirelessly on assisting the president in memorizing his speech, incorporating a variety of strategies to ensure his readiness from increasing scheduled prep-time, create que cards with simple images to help him remember his place if he gets lost, and even changing up his diet.

“Given his state, we had to increase his adrenochrome intake by more than triple,” they said. “He’s consume roughly 16 children a day. Up from his usual five.”

Though even with their great effort, hopes that the evening will go smoothly are low amongst the team.

“Republicans couldn’t shut the fuck up last time,” they said. “Remember that banshee Marjorie Taylor Green howling from her seat last time? Now imagine that, but Brandon is out there doing his best Mitch McConnell impression. And honestly, that’s a lot of fucking kids to be eating to hopefully break even. Even for me and I worked for the Clintons.”