In a country experiencing greater wealth inequality than at the time of the French Revolution, the greed of the ruling class entertains the masses by pitting those without resources against each other for their pocket change. From the NFL and WBC to the Ultimate Fighting Championship, there’s nothing the top hat-clad capitalist pigs love more than to get horned up and crank their spiral dicks to a homosapien cock fight. And their hog-headed ring leader, Dana White, served up the latest flavor of slop in his most recent endeavor: Power Slap. 

No skill, no art, no technique, two people stand across front of each other with one goal, disconnecting the other’s brain from their spinal cord. Or at least make them short-circuit a little. That’s always kind of funny, actually. 

But as they lie there, writhing uncontrollably, their evolutionary hardwiring trying desperately to get ahold of itself and survive the traumatic event they just experienced, we who are watching at home can take comfort in knowing that they almost had the chance to win $3,000 to $5,000.

Though the most important thing we all win from Power Slap’s existence is the once-in-a-lifetime experience to watch in an out-of-body fashion, the personification of the United States Empire, writhing, short-circuiting and ultimately dying before our very eyes.