Lousy Human infiltrated the Danbury Federal Correctional Institution in Danbury, Connecticut to observe firsthand former Trump advisor, neo-nazi, fascist, kook, loser, and overall piece of shit Steve Bannon was handling his first 48 hours of his 4-month prison sentence. What we witnessed was on brand for the desperate liverspot-cover, cowardly cracker.

After arriving and a brief orientation, Steve was given breakfast alone in his cell, where he spent the majority of the time staring at the cell wall and nervously toying with his ballsack wrinkles. 

Shortly after, Bannon would need to collect his thoughts and face reality. His first meal of powdered eggs and bread that never expires had ended, and it was time to integrate into the general population. Led to the yard, he paused, still thinking, but removed his fingers from his ball bag. 

The guards then moved away, letting Steve set off by himself. He immediately scanned the yard, licked his lips, and took off in a brisk walk toward a group of Neo-Nazis. After a brief conversation with a lot of hand movements and gesturing by Bannon, the group walked away out of sight with skinheads making kissy faces and pinching the Breitbart broadcasters behind. 

Later, we met with one of the group members to get more insight into what had occurred.

“Oh, he offered to let us all fuck him for protection immediately,” said Tanner Conner, an inmate serving a life sentence for getting his neighbor’s chickens pregnant. “He came up, told us that he was a big fan of ours and that he would love to have our protection, then started telling us all the freaky shit he would do to us for it.”

At first, the group thought Bannon was only messing around, but his persistence gave them the impression he meant otherwise.

“We told him that we were big fans of his work and that he didn’t need to do that,” Conner said. “But, in prison, you take what you can get, and he was so insistent that we had to see if what he was saying was true.”

The display he put on was apparently one for the history books.

“He was doing shit I’ve never before seen in my life,” Tanner continued. “He was hitting it reverse cowboy, spinning 360 on that dick, poppin’ his booty cheeks like a Latina. It would’ve made Abella Anderson blush. Even the guards were taking turns on him.”

But after all his efforts, the Neo-Nazi leader, David Hammerschimdt, told Bannon they’d have to consider his protection after a few more group meetings like that one they had today.

“Dave said he’s coming back at least once a day for the next month to do that shit again before he even considers offering protection,” Conner said. “Which definitely had the old guy disassociating, especially after you just filled yourself up with every white male in the prison. But, for now, he just has to wait for it. I’m sure Dave will come around soon.”

Steve returned to his cell that night with a waddle and a slight limp. Every so often, letting out an uncontrollable soft, wet fart and a whimper as he gripped his pillow tighter and prepared for the next four months. Then before drifting away to sleep, he gave a slight grin and began to snore.