After a poor outing in his first Presidential debate against Trump before the 2024 election, the morale of the Democratic Party looks bleak. Many Democrat lawmakers and constituents are sending a clear message, “step down,” with the hope that a change in candidates could help the party’s chances against Donald Trump and not send the country spiraling into a Christo-Fascist hellhole of Gilead proportions. 

But today at the White House, in a fiery speech given exclusively to Lousy Human, President Biden addressed the concerns surrounding his cognitive fitness and sent a clear message to any doubters, “Back my campaign or fight me at the RNC next week.” 

“I heard what my supposed colleagues, voters, and grandparents were saying about my campaign. And I and here to say it. No. No, I will not go. In fact, for anyone out there listening, I have two words, back me or fight me at the RNC next week. I’ll be there. Come give me a kiss or get a kiss from my fist into your fucking jaw, Jack. I’m not fucking around.” 

The President then paused for several moments in a blank state that was not only adding concern about his mental state, but also whether or not he would drop dead right there. One of his aids rushed in with a vanilla ice cream cone garnished with several different pills 

As he licked his treat, he continued, “From now on, I have a strict 8pm bedtime with some additional scheduled nappies in there as well to help me stay awake. I mean, I’m an old guy (smiling with that shitty little grin of his). What do you expect? But, I tell you this for the last time. I am ready. Ready to perform, ready to lead, and ready to beat Donald Trump in 2020.”

As the weak applause from the audience of one disturbed the silence in the room, aids came to remove President Biden from the podium, but it took a couple minutes to remove his rigamortis-kung fu grip that kept him barred in place as he was having what is most likely a stroke. Peeling him from the oak, him and the aid made their way off stage where they tripped and fell out of sight before a very wet and smelly fart filled the air, and secret service came to clear the room. 

For now, we will have to wait and see if the President does make an appearance at the Republican National Convention next week to deliver on his promise of collecting votes or broken jaws in enemy territory.