After a rough few weeks, Republican Vice Presidential candidate J.D. Vance returned to the campaign trail with a special back-to-school message for America’s children. “Why the hell don’t you freeloaders have any kids of your own?” the Ohio Senator sternly asked a stunned group of children in the Strom Thurmond Middle School auditorium in Harper, North Carolina. 

“As a conservative, I am staunchly against teen pregnancy, but pre-teen pregnancy is a missed opportunity to start building that strong, traditional family foundation early,” The Ohio senator said as the nauseated middle schoolers began to change colors visibly.

During his speech, Vance criticized his Vice Presidential opponent, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz. “With the Trump-Vance ticket, you know America’s schools will be great again, but if you let Crazy Kamala and Tampon Tim in the White House, you will get American high schools filled to the brim with Tampons,” he said. “No money for dodgeballs for gym class, nope. That money went to Tampons! No money for sloppy Joe’s in the cafeteria, which we really don’t want to give you either. But, you’ll have to eat Tampons!” Children fainting at the notion. 

Vance would go on for 15 minutes about Tampons and conclude that menstrual products would not be needed under a Trump-Vance administration. He promised that by the end of his first term, every school in the country would have newly renovated nurse’s offices outfitted with a maternity ward and home economics classes, with a curriculum including diaper changing and formula preparation. 

“When Donald J. Trump and I get into the White House, female students of this nation will have no need for Tampons because, by the grace of God, they will all be pregnant. “So, let’s make America fertile again, starting with you, the sixth-grade class of Strom Thurmond Middle School!”God Bless America!”

J.D. Vance: Preparing America’s youth for a future they never asked for.