In the aftermath of a mass shooting that left eight students and three teachers dead, Lousy Human did what any reputable news source would do: grab a freshly traumatized child and force them into an interview. So, with the camera in his face and the blood of his math teacher still fresh on his Nike’s, we asked 14-year-old Edward Stillakid what his reaction was to watching his now former math teacher, Mark Dedderton, 42, get his head blow off IRL. 

LH: So, the bell just rang. You’re sitting in your first period, still not fully awake, but your classmate, 14-year-old Tanner Cooper Crackerson, is fully awake, high on PCP his mom gave him along with the rifle he got for his 8th birthday. Ready to kill. What did you think was happening when you heard the shots go off? 

“Well, I knew what was happening because we were the first classroom he went to. So, I knew what was happening. Especially after yesterday when we were in Geography and Mrs. Shelfbottom took away Tanner’s Gundam action figure. He was playing with it at his desk, really going for it, making robot noises and everything. And after she put it in her desk, he told her that he would slam her head in that drawer until the light left her mortal eyes. But she just kept on teaching. So when Tanner was missing, and I heard that shit down the hall, I knew it was him getting his Gundam back.”

LH: Surprised it was able to stay in place. Anyways, your math teacher, Mark Dedderton, died protecting a group of girls in your class from the gunman, being the only one in your class to die from the gunman. What do you have to say about his heroic actions? 

“Oh, I’m sure I’m not the only one who would like to shake Tanner’s hand for that one. The reason he died ‘protecting’ a group of girls is because he bundled up his favorites when the shooting started. He pushed a couple of kids to the ground to get to them. The guy was for sure a pedo. He will not be missed.” 

LH: Interesting. Last question: who will you be supporting in the 2024 election? 

“Having been in a school shooting now, I think there’s some aura points to be lost for…”

At that moment, a still-alive teacher from the high school grabbed the child by the shoulders and escorted him away. 

“How dare you ask this child for his “reaction” to being involved in what will likely be one of the most horrific days of their lives. You should be ashamed of yourselves for taking advantage of a kid’s trauma for some fucking views on your shitty content. I hope the 7 people that see this are worth it, fuckface. Eat shit and die.”

When asked for a final comment, the teacher replied, “Don’t wake up.” We told her that was probably good enough to get us to our subscriber goal, thanked them for their time, and then remembered to ask them to like and subscribe.