Media and political personalities from across the country gathered at the National Constitution Center in Philadelphia for the first Presidential debates of the 2024 elections. But one political figure, a blackbelt-level nepo-baby, Robert F Kennedy Jr., was causing a commotion outside the venue. 

Lousy Human came across the scene while checking on what sounded like the screaming of a dying dog with esophageal cancer when we found Secret Service officials involved in a physical altercation with the cockroach man from Men in Black.

After a tense and strangely slippery wrestling match, the agents end up in a dogpile on top of the space alien. Removing what appears to be the creature’s face skin reveals RFK Jr. as simply trying to wear his new human carcass into the event. 

Immediately disarmed by the reveal, agents removed themselves from the former presidential candidate and began questioning where he got his latest carcass. 

“Well, my driver was taking me through Kensington earlier, and there were plenty of fresh ones to choose from but not a lot of quality,” he said. “A lot of skinny, worn-out pelts that would never be worth deboning and putting on your skin because I only select the finest for my collection. But then I found this one (gesturing his arms outward). No fleas, maggots, or mites. Might have HIV, but I might alright have that too.” 

Now, rambling to agents who seem to have no interest in pursuing the potential charges they could slap him with, he continued, “Yeah, you want to get them while they are fresh. That’s what my Uncle John taught me. He’d be proud of this one. The skin is still stretchy, the blood has not dried yet, and it doesn’t smell as bad, which is essential when it will be your new face. This one is perfect for the evening and will look incredible in my collection once I take it home and put it through the same cleaning and preserving process. I have bears, whales, dolphins, rabbits, and other humans, among other animals.” 

Without even so much as batting an eye, the Secret Service asked him to remove the skin before entering, and the then pouty RFK Jr. placed his latest skin into a nearby trash can, taking a moment to mourn his loss, taking a few steps into the venue and then running back to recover it. Secret Service ripped the pelt out of his hands before he went through the venue’s security covered in a stranger’s blood. 

Inside the venue, many kept their distance from him as the debates went on, both out of disgust and fear that they would be next in the collection. But he insisted on mingling with anyone he could force into a conversation. VP Candidate JD Vance tried to listen but excused himself after turning an alarming shade of green, followed by uncontrollable pissing, shitting, and vomiting at the sight of RFK. Vance’s campaign team later issued a statement saying JD’s reaction was ‘not weird,’ adding that it showed ‘the profound depths of empathy required to admire American Royalty from such a close distance.’